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My little month long journey is coming to a close soon. My parents are making their way to Cairo tomorrow to spend a couple of days and I will drive off with them back to GA. I have been meaning to write for a couple of weeks now. My days in Cairo have not exactly been jam packed-there has been plenty of time for reflection and communication. I even come to this page with every intention of typing-but I find myself staring blankly at the screen, unable to transfer thoughts to coherent sentences. And, yes, I know I don’t HAVE to blog. This is an entirely optional endeavor. I was laughing at Amanda the other day, when she was lamenting about the fact that she SHOULD blog, but didn’t want to-as if it were some big homework assignment or research paper she had to force herself to do. But, as silly as I make it, blogging forces me to communicate my thoughts, to put concrete words to swirling ideas. And I have come to find out I do this the best when I have an audience I am writing to. Clarity seems to come as I try to communicate to an outside audience. So, this is really all for my benefit. Forgive me for blatantly using you.
Being back in Cairo is hard. Straight up. It’s as if every spirit of doubt and insecurity and lies I have ever believed waits here for me, excited to get its claws in me again. Things I thought I have consciously laid down, given over return with a vengeance. I am doing alright for a little while, and then without me even realizing what has happened, I find myself back in the all too familiar pit. I can’t begin to even describe how frustrating and scream-inducing this cycle is. Guilt and shame overwhelm me and immobilize me. What am I doing wrong? What am I not getting? Will I have to fight this forever? God, where the hell are you in all of this?? I get pretty mad-at God, at myself, at the people around me who seem to be doing alright.
There are a few things I hate about these periods of my life :
1.) I do not praise God like I should. He is always worthy of praise. Always. Even when I don’t want to. But, man, I am stubborn. I am pissed and sometimes it is easier just to stay that way. So, my mouth stays clamped shut. Scripture says we trade the spirit of heaviness for a garment of praise, right?(Isa 61:3) I choose to cling to the heaviness when I decide not to praise Him.
2.) I don’t honor my fellow brothers and sisters like I should. Tunnel vision creeps in and all I see is me. Me, me, me. My pain and my struggle and my frustration. I feel like there is no way I can encourage or love someone else, so I just don’t even try. Exactly the opposite of life in the Kingdom, where we are to consider others needs above our own.
3.) I realize that pride is a huge issue in my life. It may sound a little funny since the major things I deal with include inadequacy and identity, but it’s true. I saw this with my staff over the past couple of years. I felt like my identity within them was the one who was broken, who needed healing. I was the one that needed praying for, needed to be ministered to. And I hated it. I didn’t want to be “the one” all the time. I wanted to be seen as strong, as one who had something to offer and wasn’t needing others to give. I couldn’t reconcile the Jessica my family and friends on the “outside” perceived: free spirited, fun loving Jess-ready to follow Jesus to the ends of the earth, with this depressed, joy-less, immobilized heap that only these nine people really saw. People tell me that one of my greatest strengths is my transparency and realness. But something inside screamed at me to keep this part of me squashed down and hidden. And made me resent the people who actually knew it. That is called pride. Sneaky little bugger, isn’t he?
In the midst of all this junk, healing is desiring to be released. I have a choice to believe that He is more than capable of healing me-completely and totally. I have a choice to not be ruled by my flesh, but be controlled by His spirit. I get so frustrated because it sounds so ridiculously simple. Oh, really, that’s all? Just do it? If it was so simple why have I not gotten it after crying out all these years?? Sometimes I just have to tell my mind to shut-up. I think and over analyze way, way, too much. I can’t change a dang thing about the past, about how I screwed up and didn’t get and didn’t understand-even if that past was just 5 minutes ago. I have a choice to live this moment as someone who is loved by her Creator, who has complete victory already, b/c Jesus already took care of all that stuff on the cross. He won’t do for me what I won’t do for myself. It truly is a partnership, living in His Kingdom.
So, as I sit here, I am grateful for love. Grateful that I have a Father whose very nature is to love me outrageously, 100%, all the time. Grateful that nothing I can do will change that. Even if 15 minutes from now I start to doubt that love. I am grateful for the love that is poured out to me by the people around me. I am thankful that this love also includes holding me accountable and giving me a swift kick in the rear when I need it. Love continues to push me along down the path towards His Kingdom-where complete healing and restoration are found.
Cause this is a healing song, oh and I’ve got a heart that fails
But love is pushing me along, I’m lifting up above this veil
This is a healing song, oh and I don’t know if you can tell
But love is pushing me along
I’m pressing up against the rail, pressing up against the rail
So, I was welcomed back into the fold of Two Rivers with a bang. What started off as a normal food pick-up by a community member (TR facilitates a program called family to family, which provides boxes of food to certain families in the community) turned into an incredible move of the holy spirit. The result was a formerly broken, downcast soul being brought to life in a way I had never really seen in this community. Valentine’s Day 2008 was the day God showed up and showed her a tangible expression of His love. Sara has already said it so well. Read her account here.
My little CA adventure is coming to a close. I sit here in Em and Jake’s apartment near San Diego, fighting a blog post that is swirling around in my head–one that just might have to wait til I muster up the emotional energy.
Until then, know that I did come out of our excursion mostly unscathed. God is always in the business of messing things up in my life, though, to get me a few inches closer of somewhat resembling His Son. This trip was no exception. My thoughts and feelings on that ran the gamut of love and thankfulness and hate and frustration and back again. But maybe I will talk about that later.
A few brief thoughts on things that stood out to me most over the past week:
I have a renewed appreciation and awareness of God’s majesty in the things He has made . Imposing mountains, the cold, roaring Pacific, lovely vineyards, fun sunsets. Creation was crying out everywhere, and I felt privileged to join them in their song.
In Redding, the prayer room at Bethel is this circular structure with large windows covering the walls. You can’t help but praise God for His creation with a view like this:
The hospitality and graciousness of the body of Christ was a beautiful thing to witness and be blessed by. I have never slept on so many random people’s couches and floors in a such a short time frame. Each city we came into, we were welcomed into a new home with open arms. When we arrived in the Hollywood area Thurs. night, we did not even know where we would be sleeping. The four of us split off in pairs to do different things. At 9:30 that night we got a text from HC saying we had housing-a girl named Karen she met at the prayer service she and Shawna were attending offered her living room floor to us. We spent the night at her place, she cooked us a fabulous breakfast the next morning, and we ended up having a powerful time of prayer with her and her friend. It was an important lesson to me. Because of her hospitality and generous heart, time and space was created for an encounter with the Spirit. God loves that. Hospitality is a gift I want to be able to walk in more.
I also want to thank my traveling partners for the laughs, support, patience and grace. Since being back in GA, I have kinda been hanging out on this island by myself. True community sharpens each member and it took me a bit to adjust back to the poking and annoyance that ensues as we rub up against one another. But, it also made me realize that I don’t want to live without that challenge and accountability. Thanks, guys, for the reminder.
I jet off for the Twin Cities this Friday. We shall see what the next leg of my little “sabbatical” holds.
